The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
