I wannas sexs uuuuu
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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