I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
