something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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