Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
