If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
