i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
