Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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