I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I enjoy the company of your penis
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
