May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
