Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We are all done wearing pants today
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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