dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
