Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
