when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.