Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
