I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
