god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
