i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
