I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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