I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your penis caused this!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
