Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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