a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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