i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
