I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
