i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
barbara walters just said penis...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
