my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
