there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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