my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
