between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
