He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
