Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
