I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
