Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I want her autograph on my taint
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
