You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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