can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
