I cockslap morals
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
