i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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