I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize