I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
