My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
