Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
