bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
