I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
