I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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