I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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