I hope mine doesn't look like that
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
