I'm eating all of the evidence.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
