There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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