I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
