I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
