I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
