Little spoons don't ask big questions
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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