Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
