Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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