i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Drake has all the answers