i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl