i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
