It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I need moral support for this bender
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
