it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
home. puking in laundry basket.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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