I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
