I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
